A Bit of Self Indulgence

When I started this blog it had been my loose intention to jot down current thoughts or feelings. Initially a bit nervous, I held back, as is touched on in my very first post. I became aware that most of my jottings were the sharing of other peoples words (poetry, stories etc) - albeit representative of my own sentiments. Just at the stage when I would have begun to give more of 'myself' my life was impacted on in an incredible way (ref Twenty Twenty Vision post). Such is the legal and covert nature of this incident that I am not allowed - as yet - to speak of it even to my closest friends. And yet it is consuming my whole being. So when it comes to being restricted to jottings of a lighthearted or non-personal theme I feel stifled, frustrated and - at worst - insincere. I am a very open character and ache to share my shock and outrage, my deep sorrow and my sheer disbelief at what has happened.

Now I am disappointed in myself for mentioning something again of which I cannot elaborate. It's not fair on any would-be reader. But I needed to come on here and be who I really am and be where I'm really at just now. And if that means writing about something that I cannot write about, then so be it!
I know I'm being really selfcentred today but you know - I don't care - I need this even though I hate 'me me' pieces where the 'I' key gets a battering.
Anyway, it's cathartic and it worked. I feel a lot better - though foolish - now. : -)

Driftwood Ashore

There are times in life when the mind stands still.

Twenty-Twenty Vision

Throughout my life's journey I have looked into the eyes of many souls. I have seen love given and I have seen my own love reflected - lovingly - in return. I have melted when looking into the eyes of a child and have treasured the pools of innocence and the essence of pure simplicity. With compassion I have looked into the eyes of those overwhelmed with sorrow, grief or profound despair; I have learned the power of endurance when looking into the eyes of those suffering unbearable, physical pain; I have acknowledged the silent voice of acceptance in the brave eyes of the dying, when hope and all else is lost. But I have smiled back into the eyes of those who have known immense joy and I have also responded to the infectious sparkle in the eyes of those sharing great laughter.
On occasion, I have glimpsed the eyes of a liar or a rogue and I have not escaped the flat expression of the insincere (the contact from such eyes is always transient).
Now, in the autumn of my years, given my (now) simple lifestyle and the people I know and love, I thought I had encountered all that I was ever likely to ... I was so wrong ... For I have now looked into the face of sinister evil and I feel a sickness which I never knew could exist. Previously I have felt a churning pit in my stomach on hearing of the evil done to others not known to me personally; my heartfelt concern has gone out to them. But until now, I could have had no idea of the impact that evil thrashers upon us.
I have been looking at this face of evil for exactly twelve years and only now do I know why our eyes never really engaged; only now do I recognise what my instinct implored me to follow; only now has the evil 'lurking within' been exposed bringing a clarity to what was an elusive sense of doubt. They say - don't they - that the eyes are the windows of the soul; our eyes could not engage; for evil is bereft of soul.
And why is it, that when evil presents in the guise of woman, we (or is it just me) find it even more abhorrent? I cannot yet find words to elaborate on what I am feeling ... feeling ... an horrendous feeling. One thing I can say for sure is - as much as I wish I was not going through this experience - I do know that 'good' always soars its way through any evil damage and the victims are, eventually, richer and more worthwhile souls with a unique sense of who and what really matters in life. And I thank the Lord that the spirit of love and goodness continues to surround and envelop us.

Still Hurting

It's all too sad.

Watching another's sorrow

is - for me - more painful

than bearing one's own sadness.

Beyond Tears

Over the past few weeks I have encountered cause to look at the world through eyes filled with tears.
One of the most important people in my life is hurting - deeply, and I can not make it better for him.
Given just cause, the depth of sorrow is an emotion with which I am no stranger. Over two years ago, in the darkness of compounded loss, grief and despair, I wrote a piece which began ...

'We do not see clearly through eyes filled with tears...'

I no longer think this is true; on the contrary, I now believe that deep emotion allows us to tap into a clarity that would otherwise elude us. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to embrace the suffering - so painful though that may be - enables us to measure the extent of the injury. Only then, will we be able to fathom sense of what has become of us; only then, will we grow; and only then, can we begin to move forward.
The sorrow will prevail but we will endure.